Grief and Loss

I haven't written a post in a week. I have been so depressed and down. I was loosing hope and tired of fighting to survive and be a warrior. I have been suffering from the OCD and it has been causing major stress. I feel like I need to remove myself from my family. My mother totally depends on me and thinks that I am supposed to pay her bills but yet when I needed her to protect me from her husband and others in the family she didn't she took up for them. I have been having flashbacks about the abuse with panic attacks and everything. I feel stuck because she is my mother. She tries to make me feel bad for not helping her out. My father and grandfather both died nine months apart and I am really starting to grieve. My grandfather was my support in everything that I do and he didnt allow others to bother me. My daughter is getting ready to go back to school and I have to take care of her. She has no one but me. Her dad moved away and he dont care about her. I barely get any child support for her. Life sucks right now but I am trying to make the best of it and not give in. I am just tired as Cassandra said in her blog that definitely related to me. I feel like I am set apart from others because of things that I have been through. I am so unhappy with my weight and accomplishements. I am having a birthday in a couple weeks but I dont want to celebrate.

RED SYMBOLIZES BLOOD=PAIN

My stomach is fat and that's whack. I want to know how to get it back. I try to move up and go down then I begin to have a frown. I feel like smokin weed but what's the need what about my seed. They say no pain no gain but my stomach is really a strain. I feel tense anger like I'm a stranger. My stomach is like a mind in a bind. It gets so tight but its out of sight. It feels like a contraction but its a distraction that causes a reaction. I get distress while trying to process I go to recess and digress and get stressed. Tears coming down my face I feel like its in a race and the fear is trying to be traced. I'm trying to erase the past and that's a blast that continues to last. I feel like a loner in a coner I'm tired of being mean but that's all I know it seems. I wish when I was raped it was taped. I'm scared of how I feel because I dont know how to deal. Sometimes being a victim of abuse its like whats the use of trying to cope, when everyone around you is saying nope. I tried to be accepted and was rejected. While trying to be someone else I learned to be myself. When I cut I cry and ask Why? My mother took diet pills so that's why I dont feel. She wanted me ill and thats the deal. I feel like the more I do the more I dont and I probably wont . I feel defeat so I dont eat. I dont trust because I bust. I tried to hang but it wasnt a bang. i tried the bridge and here comes the crew asking what did they do. Took the pills it made me ill. Have tried to give up but feel like I have to live up to a standard I tried to take mylast breath through death but my stomach is pumping blood like a flood. It has feelings that need dealings . I have to stop shutting down and frowning . I feel like if i start it will become tart. It will be sour in a hour. I have hate with no mate I feel no one can relate. I was told it was all my brain but its really a strain and i need a drain. i was told to put it aside and let it ride but thats all still inside. I was told (Mel) my therapist to explain the feelings in my stomach..I came up with this..My stoamch is my holding cell everything sits there. My session on Wednesday was one of the best I didnt shut down for the first time in a long time and allowed myself to cry and explain exactly how I feel..I am coming out of this

Fear of Letting Go

I went to therapy yesterday and balled. My mother has a new boyfriend and it has triggered many emotions. My mother is a diabetic and was in a coma a couple of months ago. I am afraid to leave her home for long periods of time. However I am ready to move out. I have mixed emotions about the entire situation at hand. She has this man and he dont help do anything and she worships him and forget about us. My sister came home and told my that she saw this guy with another woman and my mother didnt believe her so that triggered fellings for me and my sister. Our step father abused us. He is now in jail. My sister left and moved to a shelter and I feel bad..I feel like my mother betrayed us she promised us that she will not let us down again. I am trying to move on and get better but I feel like I have to take care of my mother and if something happens to her I will feel bad.

Glad To Be Apart

I actually found this blog page through Angela Shelton page. I have been reading Alisha, nikadelainne and Cassandra pages almost everyday...I was embarrased to blog at first but these 3 individuals have helped me and I want to say Thank You.