I'm Back

It has been a long time since I have posted. I had a birthday and it was one of the best that I have had in years. I have been feeling really depressed lately with little energy. I have been working long hours trying to fight back the tears and pain that I feel inside. I've been having flashbacks and I remembered when I was little and how some of my female cousins started messing with me. I thought that it was normal but guess what now i know it's not. I have been down in the dumps and it is hard to explain to people whi have never witnessed rape, pain or suffering. My mother still puts men before her children and it sucks. I am trying to accept the fact that she is not going to ever change. My mother is a diabetic and has been in a coma the dr gave her 8 hours to live and she survived but sometimes I feel like God gave her a second chance to be a better mom and that hasnt happened so I dont know what to expect of her. I love her so much and want something that will never be. It is so sad how the little child in me works. I am technically an adult but inside I am a little innocent child. On my birthday my mother was the last person to call and acknowledge that was the date she brought me into this world. She didnt get me anything but I wasnt hurt because she never gets me anything. I didnt get her anything for her birthday this year because I am tired of feeling used.

WORDS

I went to see my Therapist friday and the question of the day was "Why do you have a hard time saying certain Words?" Words are a big trigger for me. I have been in trouble for certain words and others I was told during the abuse. I have to remind myself that I cannot hold that against myself because it wasnt my fault. All of my feelings live in my stomach. I have things all bottled up in there. When I speak I listen to my stomach to see how it feels. I have a very hard time speaking to others and totally expressing how I feel about something and that bothers me. I want to be able to express myself and not shut down then have to cut myself to have a feeling or come back to reality. I work alot just to keep my mind off of the major problems in my life because possible I would be gone mentally to the point of no return. MAYBE I'M JUST SCARED TO FACE THE THINGS I FEAR. IT'S EASIER TO WALK AWAY FROM EVERYTHING.

SPEAK OUT

I was so overwhelmed on Saturday. I really wanted to be on time for the speak out but my daughter ride didnt come on time. I had made plans to ask permission to read my poem but I froze up as soon as I pulled in the parking lot. I have to realize that I can no longer be hurt by my perpetrators. It was very nice and the things that others said really helped me. I felt safe while I was there. I felt that I was with my family. I am just really shy and afraid to speak in front of others. I am very good at writing down my thoughts but not speaking in front of others. I felt bad that I did not reach out to the others that were there. I picked up some literature to pass out to some of my friends about sexual abuse. I was angry with me for not speaking put but I cannot be so hard on myself. I am very glad that I went though. Next time I am going to have push harder to get my words out and let my voice be heard. After I left I just cried and cried. Even though I didn't speak I felt some healing had started taking place just by me being in the atmosphere. Thanks to all of my support.