Long Time

I am so happy to be back on and blogging. I have completed this semester with a GPA of 3.63. I was going to school full time, working full time and being a basketball mom for my daughter. A major accomplishment for me. I have been out of school for 5 years so what a comeback this is. I am still trying to stay steong and be a survivor. In the middle of the semester I was hit with a depression and almost wanted to give up but I kept pressing on. I have made some progress in therapy also and I am so grateful for the therapist that I have she brings the best out in me.

I'm Back

It has been a long time since I have posted anything on my blog. I have kind of been in the dumps trying to climb my way out of this dark hole. I broke up with a guy that I thought was very nice but I realize that he dont respect my wishes. He was trying to force me into having sex with him and I didnt want to. I gave him a date of when I would and after it happened he started treating me funny and we have been arguing non stop. He has since started talking to a co worker of mine and it has been a hard road. On top of all of that I am still greiving the lost of my grandfather and father. I am so overwhelmed with life in general sometimes I dont know if I am making the right choices. Deep down inside I know that I am strong and have the power to move on and keep pressing for my dreams.

I'm Back

It has been a long time since I have posted. I had a birthday and it was one of the best that I have had in years. I have been feeling really depressed lately with little energy. I have been working long hours trying to fight back the tears and pain that I feel inside. I've been having flashbacks and I remembered when I was little and how some of my female cousins started messing with me. I thought that it was normal but guess what now i know it's not. I have been down in the dumps and it is hard to explain to people whi have never witnessed rape, pain or suffering. My mother still puts men before her children and it sucks. I am trying to accept the fact that she is not going to ever change. My mother is a diabetic and has been in a coma the dr gave her 8 hours to live and she survived but sometimes I feel like God gave her a second chance to be a better mom and that hasnt happened so I dont know what to expect of her. I love her so much and want something that will never be. It is so sad how the little child in me works. I am technically an adult but inside I am a little innocent child. On my birthday my mother was the last person to call and acknowledge that was the date she brought me into this world. She didnt get me anything but I wasnt hurt because she never gets me anything. I didnt get her anything for her birthday this year because I am tired of feeling used.

WORDS

I went to see my Therapist friday and the question of the day was "Why do you have a hard time saying certain Words?" Words are a big trigger for me. I have been in trouble for certain words and others I was told during the abuse. I have to remind myself that I cannot hold that against myself because it wasnt my fault. All of my feelings live in my stomach. I have things all bottled up in there. When I speak I listen to my stomach to see how it feels. I have a very hard time speaking to others and totally expressing how I feel about something and that bothers me. I want to be able to express myself and not shut down then have to cut myself to have a feeling or come back to reality. I work alot just to keep my mind off of the major problems in my life because possible I would be gone mentally to the point of no return. MAYBE I'M JUST SCARED TO FACE THE THINGS I FEAR. IT'S EASIER TO WALK AWAY FROM EVERYTHING.

SPEAK OUT

I was so overwhelmed on Saturday. I really wanted to be on time for the speak out but my daughter ride didnt come on time. I had made plans to ask permission to read my poem but I froze up as soon as I pulled in the parking lot. I have to realize that I can no longer be hurt by my perpetrators. It was very nice and the things that others said really helped me. I felt safe while I was there. I felt that I was with my family. I am just really shy and afraid to speak in front of others. I am very good at writing down my thoughts but not speaking in front of others. I felt bad that I did not reach out to the others that were there. I picked up some literature to pass out to some of my friends about sexual abuse. I was angry with me for not speaking put but I cannot be so hard on myself. I am very glad that I went though. Next time I am going to have push harder to get my words out and let my voice be heard. After I left I just cried and cried. Even though I didn't speak I felt some healing had started taking place just by me being in the atmosphere. Thanks to all of my support.

Grief and Loss

I haven't written a post in a week. I have been so depressed and down. I was loosing hope and tired of fighting to survive and be a warrior. I have been suffering from the OCD and it has been causing major stress. I feel like I need to remove myself from my family. My mother totally depends on me and thinks that I am supposed to pay her bills but yet when I needed her to protect me from her husband and others in the family she didn't she took up for them. I have been having flashbacks about the abuse with panic attacks and everything. I feel stuck because she is my mother. She tries to make me feel bad for not helping her out. My father and grandfather both died nine months apart and I am really starting to grieve. My grandfather was my support in everything that I do and he didnt allow others to bother me. My daughter is getting ready to go back to school and I have to take care of her. She has no one but me. Her dad moved away and he dont care about her. I barely get any child support for her. Life sucks right now but I am trying to make the best of it and not give in. I am just tired as Cassandra said in her blog that definitely related to me. I feel like I am set apart from others because of things that I have been through. I am so unhappy with my weight and accomplishements. I am having a birthday in a couple weeks but I dont want to celebrate.

RED SYMBOLIZES BLOOD=PAIN

My stomach is fat and that's whack. I want to know how to get it back. I try to move up and go down then I begin to have a frown. I feel like smokin weed but what's the need what about my seed. They say no pain no gain but my stomach is really a strain. I feel tense anger like I'm a stranger. My stomach is like a mind in a bind. It gets so tight but its out of sight. It feels like a contraction but its a distraction that causes a reaction. I get distress while trying to process I go to recess and digress and get stressed. Tears coming down my face I feel like its in a race and the fear is trying to be traced. I'm trying to erase the past and that's a blast that continues to last. I feel like a loner in a coner I'm tired of being mean but that's all I know it seems. I wish when I was raped it was taped. I'm scared of how I feel because I dont know how to deal. Sometimes being a victim of abuse its like whats the use of trying to cope, when everyone around you is saying nope. I tried to be accepted and was rejected. While trying to be someone else I learned to be myself. When I cut I cry and ask Why? My mother took diet pills so that's why I dont feel. She wanted me ill and thats the deal. I feel like the more I do the more I dont and I probably wont . I feel defeat so I dont eat. I dont trust because I bust. I tried to hang but it wasnt a bang. i tried the bridge and here comes the crew asking what did they do. Took the pills it made me ill. Have tried to give up but feel like I have to live up to a standard I tried to take mylast breath through death but my stomach is pumping blood like a flood. It has feelings that need dealings . I have to stop shutting down and frowning . I feel like if i start it will become tart. It will be sour in a hour. I have hate with no mate I feel no one can relate. I was told it was all my brain but its really a strain and i need a drain. i was told to put it aside and let it ride but thats all still inside. I was told (Mel) my therapist to explain the feelings in my stomach..I came up with this..My stoamch is my holding cell everything sits there. My session on Wednesday was one of the best I didnt shut down for the first time in a long time and allowed myself to cry and explain exactly how I feel..I am coming out of this